I was reminded of an old post via Facebook memories recently. A post I had written on August 5th, 2013 about how we all have tough times in life, inspired by the song Bruises by Train featuring Ashley Monroe. In the post I shared a photo of a watercolor painting I had created while the kids also did some painting. I painted the words “trust your struggle” in purple, on top of waves of yellow, pink and blue. It was a pretty hideous attempt at watercolor, but back then, with a then five and three-yr old, I didn’t have time to work on a hobby, let alone keep up a blog. I do remember at the time being happy with it, and I appreciated what I had come to realize from listening to the song: that life is never going to be perfect, but it’s perfectly mine.
It’s hard to believe that I’ve had this blog for ten years. I wrote much more often when they were younger and I wasn’t running a nonprofit organization. Owen is now about to turn thirteen and Vivian will be eleven in December. They’re becoming miniature teenagers and I couldn’t be more proud of what they’ve learned about taking care of their mental health and physical health. This past year and a half taught us all so much about both.
For me, Covid-19 has taught me so much about myself. At the start of the pandemic, the uncertainty about whether I was going to be able to pull in enough funding from corporate sponsors to cover payroll sent me into a hypomanic episode that nearly sent me to the hospital. Right when I began feeling symptoms of mania coming on, I texted my psychiatrist and asked for an appointment. It only took her office a week to transition all her patients from in-person visits to telehealth, and while I was waiting for my appointment I managed my mania with medicine I had on hand. When we met online she prescribed a new antipsychotic and within a few days I was feeling so much better.
This Is My Brave was able to pivot from live, in-person storytelling events to completely virtual content almost as easily as my doctor was able to adjust her practice. Or maybe we just made it look simple. In reality, it took us months to figure out the best way to livestream our events. My team has worked so well throughout these past seventeen months.
My mental health stability hasn’t been as smooth.
In May of this year I suffered another mild episode, followed by another in mid-July. I battled many weeks of depression with exercise and mindfulness meditation. These bumps in the road were signals to me that something needed to change. I’ve been working closely with my psychiatrist and therapist to figure out the best route forward and we’ve been making really good progress.
I’m spending less time on social media and more time on self-care. I’m prioritizing myself and my needs and it feels good. And I’m making decisions, tough decisions, that are ultimately going to benefit my mental health.
Right now, everything just feels hard.
When I think back on that blog post from 2013, and the bumps in the road I was facing then, I smile. I didn’t know what was ahead. I didn’t know that just two weeks prior I had met the woman who would become my Co-Founder and that together we’d launch This Is My Brave into the world. I didn’t realize that the part-time job I would take would be perfect for allowing me time with the kids and time to write given that I got the work done while they napped during the day. And I didn’t realize that I’d actually become pretty good at watercolor thanks to the pandemic and Jenna Rainey.
I’m excited about the future and know from experience that these rocky times are when the magic happens. So for now I’m going to buckle up and enjoy the ride with some of my favorite people.
